Grim Fairy Tales

I never really liked being read to as a child. As a matter of fact, I much preferred to do it myself. It's all my dad's fault. He could never tell a fairy tale straight... he always insisted on adding a few... um... interesting variations. And it didn't help that he kept going off on tangents. Here are some of my favourites:

CINDERELLA: After telling me about how turning a pumpkin into a carriage is impossible, dad tried to explain the concepts behind 'horsepower'. Needless to say, I never really liked the story much.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES: The evil queen wasn't really evil... just very jealous. And no apple is naturally blood red. It must have been painted. And Snow White uses too much powder.

PINNOCHIO: There's a fairy queen keeping an eye on each one of us. She has large ears, which she presses against window panes to eavesdrop and see if little girls tell lies. If they do, she makes their noses grow.

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS: The third little pig was obviously an engineer.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Don't talk to strange wolves on the road. Must also keep attack alarm on person.

RAPUNZEL: Rapunzel actually had her hair cut because she could never get her long hair washed properly. Hence, little girls must always have short hair till they are old enough to wash it themselves.

RUMPELSTILSKIN: The king was gullible for believing that straw can be turned into gold. Also, Rumpelstilskin clearly didn't have sensitive teeth. And the farmer's daughter/queen-to-be welched on the deal.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: My dad (being an anesthetist) insisted that Sleeping Beauty had been anesthetised... by way of being hit over the head with a mallet.

THE FROG PRINCE: The fairy tale is apparently inaccurate. In actuality, the princess kissed the prince, turned him into a frog and they lived happily ever after.

That's all that springs to mind, really. Hopefully Eris' appetite for random blog-posts has been whetted. Do comment soon.